University is commonly painted as being the best three or four years of a person's life. Before I'd started university I'd heard and read countless stories from nostalgic individuals with rose tinted views on university, excitedly describing the close friends they made there, the fantastic nights out they had and how they grew and changed and became vastly more confident. They seized every opportunity available to them and made the most of everything on offer and generally had the best fun ever. Before going to university I'd never heard a bad word against it. When they reached the third year they were devastated when they had to graduate and move away. Nobody had ever said they'd struggled, or that they hadn't enjoyed it, or that people might not be mature and open minded. Having heard only good things about it, despite my worries (which I'm sure anyone would have said were natural) I was fizzing and bubbling with excitement when it came to my turn to depart home and settle in to my new environment. I couldn't wait to get stuck in and become immersed in the thrilling experience that is student life. I could not have been wrong about how things would play out.
Before I begin, I just want to explain this post a little. I have been keen to start blogging properly, but I suppose I haven't really had the confidence. I decided that I would once I started university- it could be a good way of organising my day in a new environment, and might help me to settle in and take care of myself better, I decided to get a bit of practice doing this on Tumblr, to get the ball rolling. However, being in the situation I'm in now, I decided that it would be best to take the plunge and set up a proper blog in which I detail the skills I've decided to improve. I've outlined these skills in my Tumblr blog but I'll probably also make a post here too. I don't want to dwell on this negative experience so this will be one of the few times (actually hopefully the only time) I post about it. I just really need to get everything out of my system, and it wouldn't hurt if this helped a few people too.
My excitement fizzled out pretty quickly when I 'settled' into my room and met my flatmates. I got the feeling that something was wrong in our dynamic- we barely hung out and I spent the first night alone in my room, feeling terrified and incredibly disappointed. As the days and weeks went on things never really improved in that area. They were decent enough and surprisingly clean (considering it was mostly boys) but no one made an attempt to socialise as a group and the six of us had never even been in the kitchen at the same time. I suppose we were slightly mismatched, and I felt like I didn't have anything in common with any of them, but it was still a huge let down nevertheless. I tried to remain positive. There were plenty of other ways to meet people and make friends, I just needed to settle into my course and join a few societies.
The people on my course were a huge let down. I didn't necessarily expect to find my best friends in my flatmates, but I thought I would at least find some like minded people who I got on well with amongst my course mates. People had formed cliques by the second week, and once they had formed their cliques they didn't want to know. This was a huge shock- surely everyone was open and willing to make friends- we were all in the same boat after all. I tried my best to make connections with people, but I often found that people seemed disinterested when I attempted conversation, or if they did engage in conversation at some point, they didn't want to again. Most of them avoided eye contact and refused to smile. The whole situation felt completely impossible and incredibly difficult. The clubs and societies were pretty pathetic too, most of them didn't get back to me when I signed up so I was a bit out of the loop.
The social aspect had a massive impact on me, but I felt like there was something else there that was also making me unhappy. The atmosphere was cold and bleak- the university almost seemed soulless, as was the student area where I was living. The course was good but not spectacular, I enjoyed some of it, but there were parts of it that I thought could be much better. Besides, being so unhappy really influenced my enjoyment of the course and my motivation to work. The support was a disgrace too. Since I was in a pretty bad place I attempted to seek out the counsellor, but finding the building was impossible, even though I the map provided by the university website, and when I approached a staff member in student welfare I was dismissed and simply told to join more clubs instead of being pointed in the right direction. I found that during the time I was there I was completely miserable, I struggled to sleep at night, I felt physically sick every time I woke up in the morning and realised where I was (and every time I had to attend a lecture for that matter), I suffered intense crying spells and spent most of my time contacting my family whenever they were available. Though I tried to wait until Christmas, I realised that this was not the environment for me and that I would feel far more comfortable, safe and secure if I left and reapplied to a university closer to home.
I just wanted to get this off my chest. Leaving has been a huge and scary decision, but I think it was worth. I feel a lot of people would think that this is too early and that things could change, but I couldn't suffer this for much longer- it's already something I've been through a few times- in one case the situation changed and in the other it did not- but I only made it through the former with lots and lots of support, both from my school and (particularly) my family. The latter was complete hell and really messed me up. I could not go through any of that again. I've realised that I value myself more than that (even though this never occurred to me until now). My other posts won't be filled with self pity and misery like this one. I just need to purge my emotions; get them out of my system. This is catharsis. If I ever come back to this it will only be to reflect, or to remind myself of my mistakes so I don't make them again. I don't want this experience to take over my life. I'm going to use this time to change and better myself, and I'm going to use this blog to capture this.
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