More things to do in the remainder of my time off

I had made a post recently about things I could do in the remainder of my gap year since I didn't want to completely waste it. I feel that it's more important that I focus on things like work experience, jobs, volunteering etc. (i.e. things that will boost my CV), so I explored all those options in that post. However, there are, of course, activities I can take up in this time that will still be enriching, even if they don't necessarily improve my employability, so I've decided to make a post about some of these activities.

• Draw/paint/come up with designs and stuff just for fun. I've bought myself a proper sketch book in order to do this, so it would be nice to fill this up.
• Read lots
• Keep writing and blogging, and try and do this as regularly as possible
• Learn something new, like an instrument or a language (this would be really cool, especially the language one, but I don't really know how to go about learning it without paying someone to teach me or buying a bunch of books. Also I'd have to buy the instrument as well if I wanted to learn it, unless I just stuck to guitar)
• Teach myself to cook (or learn from mum)
• Improve driving
• Focus on losing weight/getting healthy
• Help around the house (which I actually don't mind doing too much)
• Get myself prepared for university again
• Find ways of improving my self confidence/self esteem
• Look into making friends online 
• Find my own style and learn to do my make up better
• Take weekly trips into the town centre

That's all I can think of doing for now. I'll update this as and when I think  of things (if I do).

Things to do in the remainder of my time off

It's March, which means I have about six months left until I go back to university. While I've adjusted to being off and I'm embracing the fact that I have nothing to do and no real pressure since this will most likely be the only time in my life that I have this much time off, I still think it would be a shame to let all this time go to waste. I feel like my attitude has changed- not for the worse but not necessarily for the better. It has just changed. Therefore, my ideas and ambitions have been altered as a result, and the plans I had made in November don't have as much of an appeal any more. I want to do things a bit differently, and I keep coming up with ideas then forgetting them, so I'm going to make this post in order to keep track of everything idea I come up with.
These are a few ideas of things I'd like to do with my time in the remaining six months (other than relaxing and watching Netflix):

• Find some work experience in a sector I might be interested in going into (and begin researching this pretty much NOW)
• Maybe find some other voluntary work to do alongside the work I'm doing, just to have a little extra 
• At least keep the prospect of opening my online art shop alive. This is something I still want to do and I am very close to finishing, but I need to make sure that my money will remain safe in doing so, and I need to consider whether it really is worth taking the risk. 
• If I open the art shop, do some research into business stuff since I'm completely clueless about that, as well as looking into doing promotions and using social media as a way of doing this. I plan on using Instagram initially (I've already been posting some of my drawings on there so it makes sense). I'll branch out if my shop starts to do okay.
• Promoting this blog (or starting another blog with a theme to promote). This blog has always been for me really, and I've never been to bothered about it getting popular or anything. If someone reads it and it inspires them and makes them happy then that's great, but I pretty much do this for myself. However, I read this article about a woman who started a blog in a gap year and learned how to promote it etc. and gained a lot of skills other than writing from doing this, and this made me consider doing the same, since I'd love to gain all those skills too.
• Find some sort of job. I'm definitely going to be more careful about this and I've cooled down my search since I left the last one because I don't want the same scenario to happen again too soon (plus I've been focusing on choosing a university). I've also found it quite difficult to find a job which makes the search a bit arduous since it includes filling out multiple forms that take ages only to be rejected. I really don't understand how people say 'get a part time job' so matter of factly like it's something that it's very easy to come by. Or maybe I'm just doing it wrong. I'm probably doing it wrong. Anyway, I don't plan on giving up looking, just being less aggressive about it and taking time to find a job that will suit me.
• Start reading and preparing for university. There's a lot of reading to be done on an English course (obviously) so it would be great to get a head start since I have the time. It'll help me to manage my time more effectively later on when I begin my course too. I'll probably also make some notes on the books and possibly highlight a few things in preparation (though it's difficult to know what might be relevant in the book without knowing what perspective we'll look at the literature in).

Alongside these ideas (which were pretty much all my own)  I've also been doing some research so I could add to this list, but, sadly, most of it revolved around getting a job and working for a bit then travelling. Of course I would love to have a job (that's what I most wanted when I realised I would have all this time off, but finding one that's at least slightly reasonable (i.e. doesn't involve me working until late in the night) has been a massive struggle. These seem like my best options so I'll look into them and keep posting regularly about my plans to keep track of all the things I'd planned, as well as keeping my mind organised. I'll update this list if I come up with any other ideas. 

Achievements and Improved Confidence- February

I've decided that I'm going to make monthly posts up until I go to university (and possibly even beyond then) where I keep track of everything I've done in the month that has gone towards improving my confidence. These things would usually be stuff I wouldn't have normally done, but could also include things that made me feel much happier and gave me a better perspective on life. This will hopefully help me achieve my aim of improving my confidence over my gap year. These are the things I've done over February:

• Attended university applicant days and actually managed to make conversation with some of my fellow applicants. 
• The job thing?? I'm not actually sure if this counts but I feel in a weird sort of way it does.

I've been to some university open days before but I've never actually managed to get to know my fellow applicants a little. This really did help boost my confidence a little as it reminded me that I'm not completely socially inept and helped restore my hope in having a better time at university the second time round a little, and it made my visits just a little bit more enjoyable. Plus it's nice to talk to people when you don't get to see anyone much. 

I don't know if the job thing counts. I suppose the best bits (applying for it, doing well in the interview and being offered the job) all happened in January, but I think a degree of confidence was required in taking a job despite the fear of working until late at night. Of course there's also the getting everything sorted and figuring out what to do on my first shift. It wasn't a huge confidence boost but I think it was something. At least I can say that I did it and I hated it- I would have regretted it otherwise if a hadn't taken it.
I thought about it a little more since writing the above paragraph and I think it does, in a weird way. Of course, it would have been a bigger achievement and confidence boost if it had worked out, but it meant that I was forced to act like a damn adult for once in my life. This is going to sound so pathetic, but I'd normally just hide behind my parents and get them to clear up my mess as much as possible (as I did with university). This time I managed to make my own decision and come to my own realisations, and I was the one who undid my mess and found out about leaving. The whole job thing was down to me, from finding the vacancy, to applying, to arranging every induction to deciding to leave. For me, it was quite a big thing, even though it must seem tiny to most other people my age.

I'm a sad that I haven't done a bit more, but February is a shorter month so I'm going to use that as an excuse (as well as trying to take more opportunities to improve my confidence)

Reflection #2

I had planned to do another reflective post a while back when I had the job and thought I might be happier. Things didn't end up working out as I'd have liked, but I still want to reflect on the time that has passed since it has been a while since I've done a reflective post, and stuff has happened (though, unfortunately, not a lot).

The first thing I wanted to discus was the job I held for an impressive two days. I'd found searching for jobs really rough and , though my confidence was low I persisted, determined to apply for as many suitable positions as I could. Considering this you could probably imagine my delight when I was offered an interview roughly two months after I'd began this process. Even better, I was offered the job right there on the spot. It seemed too good to be true! Well, it was. I quickly learned that I would have to be working until late at night- later than I'd have liked or felt comfortable working- or they wouldn't be able to take me on. Although this did frighten me and made me feel wary of taking the job after thinking it through carefully I decided that I would take the job anyway. I would be earning my own money and it would give me an opportunity to get out of the house and meet people my age (I was told the company employed a lot of younger people like myself). Plus it would be great experience and something to put on my CV. My first day was a disaster and I was pretty hesitant to go back afterwards. I worked in the kitchen and was told I would receive training, though this was not discussed when I began working. This was probably because they were severely understaffed, and for a long period it was just me and one of the managers working in the kitchen. Since I hadn't been trained all I could do was wash pots, which wasn't a great deal of fun (actually it was really awful, and was probably the one aspect of the job that really got to me). Despite the fact that I was desperate not to go back and was already miserable even though I'd only worked there for a day I thought I should try and stick it out. At least until the end of the week, though a whole month would be better if I could. However, the second day really broke me. I asked to leave that day, I realised I couldn't wash pots for even a single second more. I was also being kept way past twelve though I'd been told that was when I would finish. Actually, that was pretty irritating- if I'd known I would be working beyond midnight I doubt I would have taken the job. I'll try not to ramble on too much about this, though. I think it's a shame that the first job I was offered ended up being so terrible, and it almost makes me feel worse having quit so soon. However, I feel like this was the trial period I wasn't offered- if I'd known it would have been like this I wouldn't have taken the job at all. I'm not sure whether I'll keep applying for jobs- I don't want a repeat of this. I'll definitely be more careful next time; I won't apply to everything I see just to make a point. For the next few months I plan on going back to the voluntary job I'd been doing- I don't get paid but I prefer the work there and I think that's more important.

I've been...I don't want to call it a diet because it's not, I generally tend to refer to it as my healthy lifestyle but saying 'I've been on my healthy lifestyle' sounds really strange. Anyway, I've kept up my lifestyle changes quite well actually. Quite well for me, at least. I think I've done pretty well in avoiding sugar and fatty food. I could do better, but I think this is quite a good start. I know it's unrealistic for me to expect myself to completely avoid sugar and fatty foods altogether since I'm a bit of an addict and complete restriction could lead to me ending up over doing it and indulging way too much. Plus I'd be really unhappy. I think the diet thing is actually a pretty huge achievement for me since it's what I've always struggled with. I'm trying to keep it up but also get even better- I've had a few more slips than I'd have liked. Having said that, usually when I slip I fall, and I haven't done that this time, which is something I'm hugely proud of. We also bought a new Zumba Wii  game and I'm just slightly crazy about it, which is pretty awesome. It's nice to know that I'm enjoying something that is also really beneficial for me, and it helps keep me motivated. I'm actually doing one hour classes, which (apparently) burn around six hundred calories. The only disappointing thing is that I don't feel like I've lost much weight. I know it's not really supposed to be about that, but focusing on fat loss, at least a bit, gives me something more to work for. I'm going to try and remain undeterred and continue putting in a lot of effort as I usually stop around this point, and I want to see what would happen if I kept this up for months, if I'd see any changes.

I'm in the process of setting up a shop on Etsy where I'll sell my art. My laptop is being annoying and won't save some of the photos I've taken of my paintings, which is causing a bit of a delay. I'm trying to sort something out, though. Hopefully I will have the shop properly set up by the end of the week (sooner if possible); this is something I'm really keen to do. It's terrifying though! It will be a huge, scary leap for me (kind of like starting up this blog actually), since I'm not particularly great at putting myself out there. It will be very rewarding if it goes well though! I've also made some good tracks as far as art is concerned, even producing one full drawing that I was very proud of! I really want to put some pictures up of my work since this blog is a bit lacking pictures wise, but considering the fact that my laptop is being a nuisance in terms of uploading photos that's looking quite unlikely. I might make a post specifically about my art and include pictures of my progress. Unfortunately I haven't quite thrown myself into most of the other activities I said I would, but I suppose there's still plenty of time! I've pretty much decided that my talents don't lie in making music (unfortunately) and on this basis I've decided to take a break from learning the guitar since I don't seem to be getting anywhere with my attempts. Sadly I haven't tried cooking anything properly yet, but hopefully that is something I will accomplish, I might set aside some time to get it done. At least I'm still blogging!

My mood has dropped significantly and I feel very isolated. I guess this was to be expected. Since I didn't have the time to plan this properly it's been difficult finding activities to fill the time that require me leaving the house. I guess that's why I jumped on the job when I was offered it (even now I would like a job, just one with slightly better hours and more stimulating work). I'm hoping that I will stumble upon some opportunity but I'm becoming less optimistic about this happening. I really wanted to work on improving my confidence as it was destroyed quite badly by my university experience, but I'm less sure of this happening now. I might have to find other ways to do this, like devising my own mental challenges and changing my mental attitude and perceptions of myself/ certain situations. However, as low as I feel at the moment, I know that it could never match how terrible I felt when I was actually at university. I don't really like thinking about it much because all those old feelings resurface.

I now plan on continuing with the voluntary work I had begun doing. I'm also in the process of thoroughly researching universities and making a decision about the one I want to attend. I recently went to some applicant days which were lovely. Id like to discuss them but this post is already insanely long so I might reflect on those in another post soon. It might even help make my decision easier, I'm having such a difficult time choosing! I'd also like to look into maybe doing some work experience, or something along those lines. I really need to end this post now, it's way, way too long.

Mistakes I Made When Choosing A University

It's coming to that point again where I have to make the careful decision of which university I should choose, and considering the whopping great mistake I made the first time round I want to make sure I make a better decision this time round. I've started thoroughly researching the universities I've chosen and assessing their best qualities (well, the best qualities for me). As a part of this decision process I feel that it will be useful to note down the mistakes I made when choosing a university so that I can make sure that I avoid them this time round. I might also do a post rounding up everything that I felt was wrong with my experience so I can try and prevent this from happening again.

1. The university was too far away. Well, it wasn't an absolutely huge distance, like the other end of the country, but it was about a two and a half to three hour car journey which made it difficult for my family to come and see me regularly or for me to see them regularly, which I really needed. I've already avoided this by applying to local universities only.
2. The accommodation was ages away from the university. There was a bus service provided but this service took around twenty minutes and cost a fortune. Also, while it was regular there was still a bit of a wait, and it was prone to filling up pretty quickly. Being so far from the university caused me to feel quite detached from it, which had a significant impact on the way I perceived the university and how much I enjoyed it. I have, again, avoided this problem by applying to campus universities only so I can live pretty much within the university itself. 
3. Focusing way too much on league tables. The university I first attended was pretty high on the league tables when I was applying (it ended up dropping quite a bit within the space of a year.). However, it also had lower grade requirements than other universities in a similar position, which led me to believe that it was perfect for me. In fact, I think this was probably the biggest mistake I made, since it made me adamant that I was going to go to that university, resulting in me dismissing all the other universities I applied to. It turns out that it was a load of spin anyway- they just wanted to make the university look good and cared more about reputation and money than the students. I'm avoiding league tables and they're certainly not going to have any influence on my decision this time- I'll choose the university that I genuinely think I'll be happiest at.
4. Not giving the course much attention. I was lucky that I largely enjoyed what I studied at this university, but I also realise that the course is a huge part of your university experience (actually it's what you really should be going to university for), so it's vital that you choose the course that you feel you will enjoy the most. I was an idiot for not doing thorough research into courses before applying to university and after I had applied and was choosing between the five unis I'd chosen, I'm giving the courses and English departments a lot more attention now and this time they will be a major part of my decision (unless they both look really good and I can't really say that one seems better to me).
5. Not visiting enough universities. The only universities I visited out of the ones I applied to were the university I was sure I wanted to go to and one other that I was called for an 'interview' at (but had no intention of attending). The latter was awful and I hated it, which only made the former seem even better. I should have visited, or at least tried to visit, all of the universities I had applied to and maybe even a few in the summer before I applied to university. I think this would have been the best way of comparing and contrasting the different atmospheres and figuring out which university really was the right one for me. It would also have helped lessen the bias I had towards the university I knew I wanted to choose, as I might have been less likely to succumb to the appeals of the atmosphere there if I'd experienced universities with similar or better atmospheres. I've already visited one of the universities and will visit the other in a few days time.
6. Not doing thorough research. I think this was another massive slip up. I should have scoured the websites of all the universities I wanted to apply to and the universities I had applied to in order to really get a feel for them, as well as to discover stand out points of the universities that really appeal to me and could strongly influence my decision to go there. Unlike the first time, this time I have thoroughly sifted through the websites and made lists of everything the universities offer, so I can take all of this into account when making my decision. I realise that this isn't something I would have been able to do in as much detail as I'm doing now since I had much less time and far more universities, but if I'd started earlier (maybe around the summer time rather than October, even though I didn't know what I wanted to study, I could still have checked out the universities) but a condensed version of this would still have been hugely beneficial and might have prevented me from making such a stupid, rushed decision. I feel more comfortable now having done a lot more research, though my decision is still hard because they both seem really good!

There were probably other mistakes that I made but I think I'll leave it there since these are the most significant and had the biggest impact, and would probably have led to a different outcome if they had been properly taken into consideration. This post is largely for reference since I will be making my decision very soon.

Reflection #1

I thought I'd reflect on my progress since leaving- it's been nearly three weeks! I can confidently say that I'm glad I left, I know it wasn't the place for me, and though most people would preach about how it gets better, I just need to give it a bit of time, the first year is always difficult or it takes time to make good friends I'm happy I left when I did. It lessens the effect the environment would have had on me. I do feel a bit strange though- not completely miserable like I did before, but... a bit lost I suppose. I didn't plan to leave so didn't expect to have all this time off, and I'm sure what to do with it (plus I feel weirdly guilty, like I should be doing something. I suppose I just need to give it time).

Despite feeling a bit strange, I'm relatively proud of myself. I haven't accomplished as much as I'd have liked, but I've done a few things, and I'm quite happy with that. It's eased my mind, since I was worried that I wouldn't progress at all. I've managed to complete my university application, which I was probably most worried about since I didn't want give up on getting my degree, I just felt deeply uncomfortable in the environment I was getting my degree in. Hopefully I'll like university better the second time round! (and if not I'll be just a stone's throw away from home so I can come back regularly if I need to.)

I've also applied for one job, and will shortly start applying for more. In the mean time, however, I have arranged to do some unpaid work in the school my mum works at to gain some more work experience and fill my weeks out, because it gets quite lonely staying at home by yourself all the time. Hopefully it will help boost my confidence too! I've made a start on some of the activities that I said I would undertake during this time off- I've done a few paintings/drawings, started reading 'Jane Eyre' and I've been in the process of trying to teach myself a song on the guitar (though I haven't touched the guitar in a few days- it probably needs tuning). I've even done a little bit of cooking (and written a blog post about it), which is good for me, because I'm not the most talented chef and, therefore, try to avoid cooking as much as I can. I've also done, and enjoyed doing, a bit of housework. More that I'd normally do. It's relaxing in a way, and it makes me feel like I'm being productive. Plus it's nice to know that I'm helping my family.

I think the next thing I need to do is establish a proper routine, I've been waking up and going to sleep way later than I should, which is mildly disruptive. I think I'll get more done if I set myself a proper routine (and stick to it).  I think I might make a post about my routine pretty soon. I also need to work on applying for jobs, lots of jobs. I'll do reflective posts like these fairly regularly to help me track my progress during this 'gap year,' and to also help me pick myself up if I feel I'm slacking. I'm hoping they'll keep me on track.

The mess that was my month at university

University is commonly painted as being the best three or four years of a person's life. Before I'd started university I'd heard and read countless stories from nostalgic individuals with rose tinted views on university, excitedly describing the close friends they made there, the fantastic nights out they had and how they grew and changed and became vastly more confident. They seized every opportunity available to them and made the most of everything on offer and generally had the best fun ever. Before going to university I'd never heard a bad word against it. When they reached the third year they were devastated when they had to graduate and move away. Nobody had ever said they'd struggled, or that they hadn't enjoyed it, or that people might not be mature and open minded. Having heard only good things about it, despite my worries (which I'm sure anyone would have said were natural) I was fizzing and bubbling with excitement when it came to my turn to depart home and settle in to my new environment. I couldn't wait to get stuck in and become immersed in the thrilling experience that is student life. I could not have been wrong about how things would play out.

Before I begin, I just want to explain this post a little. I have been keen to start blogging properly, but I suppose I haven't really had the confidence. I decided that I would once I started university- it could be a good way of organising my day in a new environment, and might help me to settle in and take care of myself better, I decided to get a bit of practice doing this on Tumblr, to get the ball rolling. However, being in the situation I'm in now, I decided that it would be best to take the plunge and set up a proper blog in which I detail the skills I've decided to improve. I've outlined these skills in my Tumblr blog but I'll probably also make a post here too. I don't want to dwell on this negative experience so this will be one of the few times (actually hopefully the only time) I post about it. I just really need to get everything out of my system, and it wouldn't hurt if this helped a few people too.

My excitement fizzled out pretty quickly when I 'settled' into my room and met my flatmates. I got the feeling that something was wrong in our dynamic- we barely hung out and I spent the first night alone in my room, feeling terrified and incredibly disappointed. As the days and weeks went on things never really improved in that area. They were decent enough and surprisingly clean (considering it was mostly boys) but no one made an attempt to socialise as a group and the six of us had never even been in the kitchen at the same time. I suppose we were slightly mismatched, and I felt like I didn't have anything in common with any of them, but it was still a huge let down nevertheless. I tried to remain positive. There were plenty of other ways to meet people and make friends, I just needed to settle into my course and join a few societies.

The people on my course were a huge let down. I didn't necessarily expect to find my best friends in my flatmates, but I thought I would at least find some like minded people who I got on well with amongst my course mates. People had formed cliques by the second week, and once they had formed their cliques they didn't want to know. This was a huge shock- surely everyone was open and willing to make friends- we were all in the same boat after all. I tried my best to make connections with people, but I often found that people seemed disinterested when I attempted conversation, or if they did engage in conversation at some point, they didn't want to again. Most of them avoided eye contact and refused to smile. The whole situation felt completely impossible and incredibly difficult. The clubs and societies were pretty pathetic too, most of them didn't get back to me when I signed up so I was a bit out of the loop.

The social aspect had a massive impact on me, but I felt like there was something else there that was also making me unhappy. The atmosphere was cold and bleak- the university almost seemed soulless, as was the student area where I was living. The course was good but not spectacular, I enjoyed some of it, but there were parts of it that I thought could be much better. Besides, being so unhappy really influenced my enjoyment of the course and my motivation to work. The support was a disgrace too. Since I was in a pretty bad place I attempted to seek out the counsellor, but finding the building was impossible, even though I the map provided by the university website, and when I approached a staff member in student welfare I was dismissed and simply told to join more clubs instead of being pointed in the right direction. I found that during the time I was there I was completely miserable, I struggled to sleep at night, I felt physically sick every time I woke up in the morning and realised where I was (and every time I had to attend a lecture for that matter), I suffered intense crying spells and spent most of my time contacting my family whenever they were available. Though I tried to wait until Christmas, I realised that this was not the environment for me and that I would feel far more comfortable, safe and secure if I left and reapplied to a university closer to home.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. Leaving has been a huge and scary decision, but I think it was worth. I feel a lot of people would think that this is too early and that things could change, but I couldn't suffer this for much longer- it's already something I've been through a few times- in one case the situation changed and in the other it did not- but I only made it through the former with lots and lots of support, both from my school and (particularly) my family. The latter was complete hell and really messed me up. I could not go through any of that again. I've realised that I value myself more than that (even though this never occurred to me until now). My other posts won't be filled with self pity and misery like this one. I just need to purge my emotions; get them out of my system. This is catharsis. If I ever come back to this it will only be to reflect, or to remind myself of my mistakes so I don't make them again. I don't want this experience to take over my life. I'm going to use this time to change and better myself, and I'm going to use this blog to capture this.