Venting

I've just started feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed lately and felt that I really needed to make a blog post about it to (hopefully) clear my mind just slightly. Today I had a moment of clarity in that I felt the one thing that I really wanted to come out of with after this time off is an improved sense of confidence. I've been feeling so weak and anxious recently, to the point where I feel like I can't do anything at all. It's so pathetic really. I think I've been putting so much pressure on myself to get something done, I've been forcing myself to apply to jobs (and, as a result, ending up with the worst job I could have imagined), forcing myself to come up with lots of options of things to do in this time off (I'm not sure if I can really call it a gap year; I'm not sure if I want to), and feeling like shit because of it. I know it's not good for me, it's counter productive and it's just making me feel worse. It's weighing me down so much, which is why I felt I needed to write this post, in the hope that it might relieve some of the stress I've been putting myself under. Anyway, after feeling particularly shaky and nervous this morning (for a specific reason that I won't go into, mainly because it's so stupid) I realised that I would need to find some way of coping, some way of being self sufficient and able to properly support and take care of myself. Since I have all this time of, it seemed, naturally, that now would be the best time to work on improving my confidence (beyond the small challenges that I try to set myself and, quite frankly fail to achieve, as I have documented in my monthly posts on this blog) and overall well being. I want to feel strong enough to take care of myself, to be able to pursue every opportunity I want to, to be able to effectively deal with failure and rejection and to be completely and totally comfortable in my own skin. If I achieve anything in this 'gap year' I want it to be this.