Achievements and Improved Confidence- February

I've decided that I'm going to make monthly posts up until I go to university (and possibly even beyond then) where I keep track of everything I've done in the month that has gone towards improving my confidence. These things would usually be stuff I wouldn't have normally done, but could also include things that made me feel much happier and gave me a better perspective on life. This will hopefully help me achieve my aim of improving my confidence over my gap year. These are the things I've done over February:

• Attended university applicant days and actually managed to make conversation with some of my fellow applicants. 
• The job thing?? I'm not actually sure if this counts but I feel in a weird sort of way it does.

I've been to some university open days before but I've never actually managed to get to know my fellow applicants a little. This really did help boost my confidence a little as it reminded me that I'm not completely socially inept and helped restore my hope in having a better time at university the second time round a little, and it made my visits just a little bit more enjoyable. Plus it's nice to talk to people when you don't get to see anyone much. 

I don't know if the job thing counts. I suppose the best bits (applying for it, doing well in the interview and being offered the job) all happened in January, but I think a degree of confidence was required in taking a job despite the fear of working until late at night. Of course there's also the getting everything sorted and figuring out what to do on my first shift. It wasn't a huge confidence boost but I think it was something. At least I can say that I did it and I hated it- I would have regretted it otherwise if a hadn't taken it.
I thought about it a little more since writing the above paragraph and I think it does, in a weird way. Of course, it would have been a bigger achievement and confidence boost if it had worked out, but it meant that I was forced to act like a damn adult for once in my life. This is going to sound so pathetic, but I'd normally just hide behind my parents and get them to clear up my mess as much as possible (as I did with university). This time I managed to make my own decision and come to my own realisations, and I was the one who undid my mess and found out about leaving. The whole job thing was down to me, from finding the vacancy, to applying, to arranging every induction to deciding to leave. For me, it was quite a big thing, even though it must seem tiny to most other people my age.

I'm a sad that I haven't done a bit more, but February is a shorter month so I'm going to use that as an excuse (as well as trying to take more opportunities to improve my confidence)

Reflection #2

I had planned to do another reflective post a while back when I had the job and thought I might be happier. Things didn't end up working out as I'd have liked, but I still want to reflect on the time that has passed since it has been a while since I've done a reflective post, and stuff has happened (though, unfortunately, not a lot).

The first thing I wanted to discus was the job I held for an impressive two days. I'd found searching for jobs really rough and , though my confidence was low I persisted, determined to apply for as many suitable positions as I could. Considering this you could probably imagine my delight when I was offered an interview roughly two months after I'd began this process. Even better, I was offered the job right there on the spot. It seemed too good to be true! Well, it was. I quickly learned that I would have to be working until late at night- later than I'd have liked or felt comfortable working- or they wouldn't be able to take me on. Although this did frighten me and made me feel wary of taking the job after thinking it through carefully I decided that I would take the job anyway. I would be earning my own money and it would give me an opportunity to get out of the house and meet people my age (I was told the company employed a lot of younger people like myself). Plus it would be great experience and something to put on my CV. My first day was a disaster and I was pretty hesitant to go back afterwards. I worked in the kitchen and was told I would receive training, though this was not discussed when I began working. This was probably because they were severely understaffed, and for a long period it was just me and one of the managers working in the kitchen. Since I hadn't been trained all I could do was wash pots, which wasn't a great deal of fun (actually it was really awful, and was probably the one aspect of the job that really got to me). Despite the fact that I was desperate not to go back and was already miserable even though I'd only worked there for a day I thought I should try and stick it out. At least until the end of the week, though a whole month would be better if I could. However, the second day really broke me. I asked to leave that day, I realised I couldn't wash pots for even a single second more. I was also being kept way past twelve though I'd been told that was when I would finish. Actually, that was pretty irritating- if I'd known I would be working beyond midnight I doubt I would have taken the job. I'll try not to ramble on too much about this, though. I think it's a shame that the first job I was offered ended up being so terrible, and it almost makes me feel worse having quit so soon. However, I feel like this was the trial period I wasn't offered- if I'd known it would have been like this I wouldn't have taken the job at all. I'm not sure whether I'll keep applying for jobs- I don't want a repeat of this. I'll definitely be more careful next time; I won't apply to everything I see just to make a point. For the next few months I plan on going back to the voluntary job I'd been doing- I don't get paid but I prefer the work there and I think that's more important.

I've been...I don't want to call it a diet because it's not, I generally tend to refer to it as my healthy lifestyle but saying 'I've been on my healthy lifestyle' sounds really strange. Anyway, I've kept up my lifestyle changes quite well actually. Quite well for me, at least. I think I've done pretty well in avoiding sugar and fatty food. I could do better, but I think this is quite a good start. I know it's unrealistic for me to expect myself to completely avoid sugar and fatty foods altogether since I'm a bit of an addict and complete restriction could lead to me ending up over doing it and indulging way too much. Plus I'd be really unhappy. I think the diet thing is actually a pretty huge achievement for me since it's what I've always struggled with. I'm trying to keep it up but also get even better- I've had a few more slips than I'd have liked. Having said that, usually when I slip I fall, and I haven't done that this time, which is something I'm hugely proud of. We also bought a new Zumba Wii  game and I'm just slightly crazy about it, which is pretty awesome. It's nice to know that I'm enjoying something that is also really beneficial for me, and it helps keep me motivated. I'm actually doing one hour classes, which (apparently) burn around six hundred calories. The only disappointing thing is that I don't feel like I've lost much weight. I know it's not really supposed to be about that, but focusing on fat loss, at least a bit, gives me something more to work for. I'm going to try and remain undeterred and continue putting in a lot of effort as I usually stop around this point, and I want to see what would happen if I kept this up for months, if I'd see any changes.

I'm in the process of setting up a shop on Etsy where I'll sell my art. My laptop is being annoying and won't save some of the photos I've taken of my paintings, which is causing a bit of a delay. I'm trying to sort something out, though. Hopefully I will have the shop properly set up by the end of the week (sooner if possible); this is something I'm really keen to do. It's terrifying though! It will be a huge, scary leap for me (kind of like starting up this blog actually), since I'm not particularly great at putting myself out there. It will be very rewarding if it goes well though! I've also made some good tracks as far as art is concerned, even producing one full drawing that I was very proud of! I really want to put some pictures up of my work since this blog is a bit lacking pictures wise, but considering the fact that my laptop is being a nuisance in terms of uploading photos that's looking quite unlikely. I might make a post specifically about my art and include pictures of my progress. Unfortunately I haven't quite thrown myself into most of the other activities I said I would, but I suppose there's still plenty of time! I've pretty much decided that my talents don't lie in making music (unfortunately) and on this basis I've decided to take a break from learning the guitar since I don't seem to be getting anywhere with my attempts. Sadly I haven't tried cooking anything properly yet, but hopefully that is something I will accomplish, I might set aside some time to get it done. At least I'm still blogging!

My mood has dropped significantly and I feel very isolated. I guess this was to be expected. Since I didn't have the time to plan this properly it's been difficult finding activities to fill the time that require me leaving the house. I guess that's why I jumped on the job when I was offered it (even now I would like a job, just one with slightly better hours and more stimulating work). I'm hoping that I will stumble upon some opportunity but I'm becoming less optimistic about this happening. I really wanted to work on improving my confidence as it was destroyed quite badly by my university experience, but I'm less sure of this happening now. I might have to find other ways to do this, like devising my own mental challenges and changing my mental attitude and perceptions of myself/ certain situations. However, as low as I feel at the moment, I know that it could never match how terrible I felt when I was actually at university. I don't really like thinking about it much because all those old feelings resurface.

I now plan on continuing with the voluntary work I had begun doing. I'm also in the process of thoroughly researching universities and making a decision about the one I want to attend. I recently went to some applicant days which were lovely. Id like to discuss them but this post is already insanely long so I might reflect on those in another post soon. It might even help make my decision easier, I'm having such a difficult time choosing! I'd also like to look into maybe doing some work experience, or something along those lines. I really need to end this post now, it's way, way too long.

Mistakes I Made When Choosing A University

It's coming to that point again where I have to make the careful decision of which university I should choose, and considering the whopping great mistake I made the first time round I want to make sure I make a better decision this time round. I've started thoroughly researching the universities I've chosen and assessing their best qualities (well, the best qualities for me). As a part of this decision process I feel that it will be useful to note down the mistakes I made when choosing a university so that I can make sure that I avoid them this time round. I might also do a post rounding up everything that I felt was wrong with my experience so I can try and prevent this from happening again.

1. The university was too far away. Well, it wasn't an absolutely huge distance, like the other end of the country, but it was about a two and a half to three hour car journey which made it difficult for my family to come and see me regularly or for me to see them regularly, which I really needed. I've already avoided this by applying to local universities only.
2. The accommodation was ages away from the university. There was a bus service provided but this service took around twenty minutes and cost a fortune. Also, while it was regular there was still a bit of a wait, and it was prone to filling up pretty quickly. Being so far from the university caused me to feel quite detached from it, which had a significant impact on the way I perceived the university and how much I enjoyed it. I have, again, avoided this problem by applying to campus universities only so I can live pretty much within the university itself. 
3. Focusing way too much on league tables. The university I first attended was pretty high on the league tables when I was applying (it ended up dropping quite a bit within the space of a year.). However, it also had lower grade requirements than other universities in a similar position, which led me to believe that it was perfect for me. In fact, I think this was probably the biggest mistake I made, since it made me adamant that I was going to go to that university, resulting in me dismissing all the other universities I applied to. It turns out that it was a load of spin anyway- they just wanted to make the university look good and cared more about reputation and money than the students. I'm avoiding league tables and they're certainly not going to have any influence on my decision this time- I'll choose the university that I genuinely think I'll be happiest at.
4. Not giving the course much attention. I was lucky that I largely enjoyed what I studied at this university, but I also realise that the course is a huge part of your university experience (actually it's what you really should be going to university for), so it's vital that you choose the course that you feel you will enjoy the most. I was an idiot for not doing thorough research into courses before applying to university and after I had applied and was choosing between the five unis I'd chosen, I'm giving the courses and English departments a lot more attention now and this time they will be a major part of my decision (unless they both look really good and I can't really say that one seems better to me).
5. Not visiting enough universities. The only universities I visited out of the ones I applied to were the university I was sure I wanted to go to and one other that I was called for an 'interview' at (but had no intention of attending). The latter was awful and I hated it, which only made the former seem even better. I should have visited, or at least tried to visit, all of the universities I had applied to and maybe even a few in the summer before I applied to university. I think this would have been the best way of comparing and contrasting the different atmospheres and figuring out which university really was the right one for me. It would also have helped lessen the bias I had towards the university I knew I wanted to choose, as I might have been less likely to succumb to the appeals of the atmosphere there if I'd experienced universities with similar or better atmospheres. I've already visited one of the universities and will visit the other in a few days time.
6. Not doing thorough research. I think this was another massive slip up. I should have scoured the websites of all the universities I wanted to apply to and the universities I had applied to in order to really get a feel for them, as well as to discover stand out points of the universities that really appeal to me and could strongly influence my decision to go there. Unlike the first time, this time I have thoroughly sifted through the websites and made lists of everything the universities offer, so I can take all of this into account when making my decision. I realise that this isn't something I would have been able to do in as much detail as I'm doing now since I had much less time and far more universities, but if I'd started earlier (maybe around the summer time rather than October, even though I didn't know what I wanted to study, I could still have checked out the universities) but a condensed version of this would still have been hugely beneficial and might have prevented me from making such a stupid, rushed decision. I feel more comfortable now having done a lot more research, though my decision is still hard because they both seem really good!

There were probably other mistakes that I made but I think I'll leave it there since these are the most significant and had the biggest impact, and would probably have led to a different outcome if they had been properly taken into consideration. This post is largely for reference since I will be making my decision very soon.

Favourite Meals- January

Since I've decided to make some lifestyle changes which largely focus on my diet, I've decided to make monthly posts about the healthy meals and food I enjoyed eating, as a reminder when I'm stuck choosing what to eat.


Salmon, Couscous and Broccoli- This sounds like one of the most boring meals on the planet (at least to me). I thought I disliked both salmon and couscous, so I was shocked to find that I actually thoroughly enjoyed this meal- it was delicious! The salmon had a tasty glaze, honey and sweet chilli, I think, and the couscous had raw red onion. I feel that these really enhanced the flavour. Unfortunately I didn't make it myself so I can't post a recipe, though I'm sure there are plenty online!

Porridge with Blueberries and Honey- The creaminess of the porridge, the tartness of the blueberries and the sweetness of the honey all complement each other perfectly- this is almost dessert like! Plus it's incredibly simple to make- just make porridge (I might have cheated and used porridge out of a packet which is less healthy but possibly quicker to make) and add about a handful or two of blueberries (or however many you like really) and a drizzle of honey.

Hot water with honey and lime- OK, this isn't really a meal but it's so delicious and refreshing I had to include it. Like the porridge, the contrast of tartness and sweetness is what really makes this. I could literally drink this all the time!

Pitta Pizza- this was absolutely delicious and so easy to make. The 'recipe' can be very easily adapted to suit your tastes, which makes it even better. I used BBQ sauce as a sort of 'base,' then chucked mozzarella, turkey, broccoli and raw red onion on top. I'd have used other ingredients (such as peppers, rocket, mushrooms, some other meat etc.) too if they'd been available. I think this is definitely one of my favourite meals.

Improved Confidence- January

I've decided that I'm going to make monthly posts up until I go to university (and possibly even beyond then) where I keep track of everything I've done in the month that has gone towards improving my confidence. These things would usually be stuff I wouldn't have normally done, but could also include things that made me feel much happier and gave me a better perspective on life. This will hopefully help me achieve my aim of improving my confidence over my gap year. These are the things I've done over January:

• Pushed through a huge mood slump where I experienced a massive drop in confidence, picked myself up and kept going and applying for jobs even though I felt like there was no hope.
• Found a new wave of motivation that pushed me to carry on with my healthy lifestyle and completely resist temptation.
• Getting a job offer after appearing friendly and confident in an interview. 

These don't seem like a lot but considering how I was feeling at the beginning of this month and how I'm feeling now I know that I've undergone a huge change and these seem small but they're actually pretty big. I also feel like not everything that I've listed in this post and previous posts of this kind, or that I will list in future posts, focuses on improving my confidence, so I'm going to add 'achievements' to these post titles because I can certainly say that they all are. However, I don't want to completely abandon the 'improving my confidence' aspect of these posts (and this gap year, in fact), so these posts will still be a place for me to discuss the various achievements of mine that have helped me to improve my confidence.

I also wanted to discuss these points in a bit more detail because I'm quite proud of myself this month. I started it out in the worst state. The effects of my time at university had finally caught up with me and had hit me with full force. I knew it was inevitable that I would feel very depressed about the fact that it had been a disaster and I had left while others were out there living it up and having the best time. I had been looking forward to the fun and freedom for years. Also, I had very little to do and it felt like my life had truly lost direction. The search for jobs was getting me down and the application process was incredibly draining. I felt so weak and fragile but I managed to pick myself up of the ground and keep on applying for jobs, even though it was sapping my energy. I realised I didn't have to take the application process too seriously- it was way more stressful that way. If I was lucky I'd get an interview but if not it didn't matter too much- more lie ins! After a few days I found I was feeling quite a bit better, which was great. I had more energy and I was happier- and I was proud of myself for actually getting past my fear for once.

I'd also told myself I would begin eating more healthily, after stuffing my face with crap for the entire month of December. I knew the food I was eating wasn't good for me at all, and it was best to try and stop before I found it more difficult to. I think I'm doing a pretty good job. Initially it was hard, and I found it difficult to stop sugar, but then I suddenly found a wave of motivation. Since then, I've hardly had any cravings, which is actually a real surprise. I feel like I can do it and I'm determined to stick to it this time. I always end up giving up, and I really don't want that to be the case now. I actually want to make sure I see and feel the results. I'll keep updating as I progress, both as a way of celebrating my achievements and also keeping myself motivated.

Healthy Lifestyle

I decided that once the Christmas period was over it was time to start really working on adopting a healthier lifestyle, especially where eating is concerned. Since this blog focuses on keeping me motivated, I will be documenting my lifestyle changes and the effects these have on me. Each week I'll set myself a realistic goal that I'll try to stick to for at least the week, until I manage to transition to a healthier lifestyle- this week it's simply to get used to eating healthily after all my Christmas indulgences. I'm hoping to be realistic with this diet- no food is forbidden but less healthy foods are limited. I definitely don't intend cutting them out all together, I really don't think that will be sustainable. I'm also trying to do a little bit of exercise (Wii Zumba- it's fun and super effective!), but again. I'm trying not to push myself too hard with it. I want to be able to keep it up, and I won't if I'm constantly making myself tired and worn out. Though I'd rather focus on the health benefits of my lifestyle changes, it would be nice to lose a bit of weight too, so I'm taking photos of my body regularly (either monthly or fortnightly) in order to track my progress and keep myself motivated. I'm also hoping to gain a clearer mind, better concentration and focus, feel happier, have more energy and clear my eczema up at least a bit. I'll try and post frequently about how I'm doing with these changes, and whether I've gained anything from it. I'm also thinking about doing posts about meals I've enjoyed over the month, which will help me remember what I liked eating so I can have it again. I might post recipes of the ones I make, too.

It's been around a week since I started making the transition and I think I've done OK. I haven't completely stopped sugar but I've cut it down a lot, and I'm eating much more healthily (three meals a day with minimal snacking in between). I've even managed to incorporate a bit of exercise into my routine. I think I've been fairly successful in achieving m goal this week. As for effects I don't think I've lost any weight, my eczema isn't much better and I don't feel like my energy levels have increased that much, but I couldn't expect drastic changes in such a short space of time. One thing I have noticed, however, is that I feel a bit happier. Before this I was feeling really down, but I've found a second wave of strength and right not I feel better than I thought I would. I wonder is this is down to my dietary changes?

My goal for next week is to stop sugar for the week.

Improved Confidence- December

I've decided that I'm going to make monthly posts up until I go to university (and possibly even beyond then) where I keep track of everything I've done in the month that has gone towards improving my confidence. These things would usually be stuff I wouldn't have normally done, but could also include things that made me feel much happier and gave me a better perspective on life. This will hopefully help me achieve my aim of improving my confidence over my gap year. These are the things I've done over December:

• Gone over to my neighbour's house (like actually going over there and knocking on her door) and had a conversation with her
• Met someone I knew in one of my AS classes and had a conversation
• Attended a second interview for the same company I had my first with, but at a different store
• Filled in the online application for the job I had been interviewed for immediately after I got home (they did things in a weird order)
• Got rejected after the two interviews by an automated email
• Filled in another online application which took forever (I don't particularly like online applications, as you can tell), and handled the rejection well enough

If I'm honest I didn't do much confidence wise this month. December was kind of a step backwards, disappointingly. I 'relaxed' a little too much over the Christmas period, which didn't really do me any good, and by the end of it I ended up feeling like complete shit. I'm trying to pick myself up from that now, and if these feeling bubble up with the same potency again I will definitely try and work them out in this blog (or at least my tumblr one). That is the whole point of this blog, working out my feelings and preventing me from completely crumbling in this 'gap year.' I'll at the very least try and do something addressing all of this, and maybe set up a self help day, which I'll blog about. I'm rambling now, so I'll stop. Hopefully January will be better.