Thursday Night's Dinner: Fajitas

Cooking is way easier than I thought. This dish basically involved chucking all the ingredients into a dish and letting it cook in the oven. The best part is it's so. good.

Ingredients:
600g of chicken (well, I just used the packet, which was 600g. I think it would be better with more chicken though, and I intend using a larger quantity when I next make this).
Peppers (I'd say at least two, though I would definitely recommend using more. Again, I would have done this, however we only had two peppers in the house)
Two red onions
One clove of garlic
One teaspoon of chilli powder
Half a teaspoon of paprika
One quarter of a teaspoon of cumin
Half a teaspoon of salt
One teaspoon of sugar
Olive oil
Tortilla
Condiments of choice (e.g. guacamole, salsa, sour cream etc.)

I started by chopping the peppers into large chunks. I also chopped the onions roughly, and the garlic clove finely. I placed them all in a glass dish.

The chicken I had was already cut into chunks, but I sliced had already been cut into chunks, but I cut them down further to make them a bit smaller and easier to eat in the tortilla. However, you could use larger chicken fillets and cut those in to strips too. It doesn't really matter, so long as it's chicken! I placed these chunks in a pan along with the peppers, onion and garlic.

I pre heated the oven to 200 degrees Celsius (most people would do this before they started cooking but I feel like it's a little bit of a waste- it still gets cooked perfectly well even if you don't pre heat the oven for a very long time).

I combined the chilli powder, paprika, salt, sugar and cumin in a bowl. I added it to the ingredients in the glass dish along with a liberal drizzle (I think that's a bit of an oxymoron, contradicting itself slightly. What I mean is a didn't just add a few drops but I didn't drown it either). I mixed all the ingredients together with my hands in order to make sure that everything was well coated.

I put the dish in the oven for twenty minutes, took it out and stirred it thoroughly, then put it back in to cook for a further fifteen minutes.

We all ate it with tortillas, and no condiments because there were none. Well, I'm lying slightly. I had BBQ sauce on mine, since that was the only thing available, and I really love my sauces. I was the only one, though.

I can't believe how delicious it was. I can't believe that something I made, that chicken that I made came out succulent and juicy and tender. The juices ran and mixed with the pepper, onion, garlic and spices and it was unbelievable. It definitely has to be one of the best things I've ever cooked, and I don't often cook amazing things (in fact, it's a bit of a rarity).

Wednesday Night's Dinner: Falafel

Another easy one! Cooking is easier than I thought! I think I was just scared for nothing really. I actually really enjoyed this one too, and I thought it was pretty fun to make.

Ingredients:
400g of chickpeas
Half a red onion
One clove of garlic
One teaspoon of cumin
A large handful of coriander
Half a teaspoon of chilli powder
Two tablespoons of plain flour (I used wholemeal)
A liberal sprinkling of salt
Sunflower oil for frying

I started by roughly chopping the half onion, garlic clove and coriander, and left it to one side.

I then opened the can of chickpeas, drained them and dried them with some kitchen towel.

I combined all the ingredients above (minus the sunflower oil) in a food processor and blitzed them until them mixture was smooth and could easily be moulded (if you can imagine shaping them into balls as you would do with dough then it should be okay).

I rolled them into balls using my hand and flattened them into disk shaped patties. I made them pretty small (and came out with twelve), but you could make them bigger, though it would make fewer.

I put them in the fridge to chill for a bit (well, around fifteen minutes). This isn't essential though.

Once out of the refrigerator I heated the sunflower oil in a large pan and fried them until they were golden brown on each side. It's important to use kitchen roll once you've fried the falafel and removed them from the pan as it will soak up the excess oil.

We ate the falafel with whole meal pitta bread and an red onion salad (which I did not make). I think it would also go well with cucumber and lettuce, and perhaps Greek yoghurt, though I'm less sure of that. I thoroughly enjoyed this and felt a real sense of accomplishment having made it, despite the fact that it really wasn't that difficult. I honestly wish I had some photos because they looked amazing too!

Tuesday Night's Dinner: Beef Kebab

I felt so awful today, my mood was so low that I actually felt physically sick, almost as if I had the flu. However, I pushed through as I really wanted to keep learning to cook (and I knew I wasn't actually sick) and made some beef kebabs for dinner. This was not entirely planned as I originally thought last night's dinner would last for two days, which it didn't. It was amazingly easy though! For some reason, I had always thought that making kebabs was really difficult, but this was a breeze- it was basically a question of combining all the ingredients in a bowl together, mixing and shaping.

The ingredients I used were:
300g (one packet) of minced beef
Half an onion, finely chopped
One teaspoon of garam masala
Half a teaspoon of cumin
One teaspoon of paprika
A handful of coriander leaves, chopped roughly
A handful of mint leaves, chopped roughly
A liberal sprinkling of salt (enough to enhance the flavour)
Metal skewers (technically not ingredients but they still help the meal to come together)

I emptied the packet of minced beef into a bowl. I then chopped half an onion (I used red, but I think green would work just as well), added that plus all the other ingredients into the bowl with the mince.

I mixed everything together thoroughly with my hands, making sure all the ingredients were well incorporated.

I then moulded the kebabs around the metal skewers, forming small sausage-like shapes (though they can be as large as you like), and laid them to rest in a tin foil dish.

I cooked them in an oven set to 190 degrees Celsius (it's probably best to pre heat the oven, though I didn't and they still turned out fine) and cooked them for 20 minutes. I assume they would probably take less time to cook if you pre heat the oven before hand. The cooking time may also be altered if you don't use metal skewers as they help heat the insides of the meat (because metal conducts heat, basic science, of course!).

As I said, it was really easy (even easier than last night's dinner!) and they tasted great! We ate them with some naan bread that we had in the house, though I think they would really compliment anything (especially pitta bread, cous cous or a salad). The only downside is that they didn't make very many- it only produced six small kebabs, which isn't really sufficient for a family of four, though you can easily overcome this by using more mince (though if you do double the amount of meat used don't double the spices, only add a bit more, as their flavours are pretty strong!).I definitely plan on making this again sometime soon; I only wish I had some pictures to show how good they looked!

Monday Night's Dinner: Pasta with Salmon and Pesto

I've decided that in order to successfully lead a truly healthy lifestyle I need to learn to cook properly for myself- I think this would make a huge difference in terms of maintaining a healthy lifestyle in the long run. Today was my first attempt (in a while) at cooking something, so I decided to go with something that was pretty easy and I most likely wouldn't mess up. For me, the most 'challenging' aspect of the meal was cooking the salmon as this was completely new to me (I've made pasta multiple times over the past few years so that was virtually effortless), but it was very easy- all the instructions were on the back of the packet and it was really just a question of whacking it in the oven and leaving it there for around twenty minutes. Unfortunately, I'm not at the stage where I can make my own pesto, so that was shop bought, which did make the dish a whole lot more easy for me to make. I will definitely attempt to make my own pesto when I'm a bit more of an experienced cook.

As I said, the dish is super easy to make and it's also incredibly versatile. For example, you can use as much or as little pasta as you want or need, as well as whatever type of pasta you like (I mixed spaghetti, penne and fusilli, some of which was white and some of which was wholegrain). I suppose you can really add anything else you want (as well as the salmon and pesto); I'm a little sad that I couldn't find any appropriate vegetables to use- broccoli would have complemented this dish perfectly!
The ingredients I used were:
Pasta
Salmon
Shop bought pesto (which I'm sure could be very easily made at home if you're a better cook than I am. I'd actually recommend making it at home if you can)
and Olive Oil, Salt and Pepper to taste.

I baked the salmon first, following the instructions on the back of the packet (wrapped in foil for around 20 minutes at 190 degrees Celsius).

As soon as I put the salmon in the oven I set the water to boil in a pan, with a salt sprinkled liberally in the water. As soon as the water was boiling I added the pasta and left to cook for ten minutes.

I took the salmon out of the oven, unwrapped it from the foil and cut it into shreds. Almost immediately after cutting the salmon, I drained the pasta (after checking to see if it was done by tasting it to make sure it wasn't too hard).

I added the pesto to the pasta and mixed roughly, then added the salmon and mixed it slightly more thoroughly. I also added olive oil, salt and pepper to taste.

As I have said multiple times, it was very easy, as you can evidently see from what I've written above. Not only that, but it tasted pretty good, and I got a lot of positive feedback from my family (though they were possibly just being polite). I'd recommend it as a starter recipe for people who want to learn to cook, it gets you off to a pretty good start as it's not challenging, yet it makes you feel like you've accomplished something pretty big.

Trial Thing

I'm going to be attempting to cook a few recipes these weeks, which I will post to this blog. It's part of something I'm trialling (and might involve setting up a new blog if I feel like it goes well). I'll explain my ideas after I'm done. In terms of other posts I'm not sure what's going to happen (I had previously made the decision to start writing about some new topics, but I'm now unsure if I really do want to do this), and what I want to do, as I feel like I might put more effort into this idea. As I said, I'll explain when I've finished.

Blog changes

I've taken a bit of a break from writing on this blog, and in this time I've decided that it's time to stop writing solely about my time off since I'm (unfortunately) not doing anything particularly exciting. Therefore, I've decided to stop posts about confidence and achievements and others like that, in favour of writing about things that are a bit different. I'm hoping to invest my time in writing a lot more, but less about myself specifically. My first idea is a weekly opinion post where I write about my opinions on a range of matters (basically whatever I've been thinking about recently). There are other things I'm thinking about writing about- I'll probably do reviews, and I'd also like to try writing about food if I get round to making anything interesting. I'll get these posts out as and when I think of them, though. 

I'll still do personal posts to help clear my head and make me feel better (and I will label them as that), as well as reflective posts to help keep some track of any progress I make, though I'm cutting the confidence and achievements posts (I'll compile a list of everything relevant I've done that will be published later on). However, I want to write things that are both interesting for me to write and interesting for others to read, and I feel like the posts I've been making recently are a bit of a dull read, as well as not being particularly exciting to write. I'll keep posting updates about new post themes.

More things to do in the remainder of my time off

I had made a post recently about things I could do in the remainder of my gap year since I didn't want to completely waste it. I feel that it's more important that I focus on things like work experience, jobs, volunteering etc. (i.e. things that will boost my CV), so I explored all those options in that post. However, there are, of course, activities I can take up in this time that will still be enriching, even if they don't necessarily improve my employability, so I've decided to make a post about some of these activities.

• Draw/paint/come up with designs and stuff just for fun. I've bought myself a proper sketch book in order to do this, so it would be nice to fill this up.
• Read lots
• Keep writing and blogging, and try and do this as regularly as possible
• Learn something new, like an instrument or a language (this would be really cool, especially the language one, but I don't really know how to go about learning it without paying someone to teach me or buying a bunch of books. Also I'd have to buy the instrument as well if I wanted to learn it, unless I just stuck to guitar)
• Teach myself to cook (or learn from mum)
• Improve driving
• Focus on losing weight/getting healthy
• Help around the house (which I actually don't mind doing too much)
• Get myself prepared for university again
• Find ways of improving my self confidence/self esteem
• Look into making friends online 
• Find my own style and learn to do my make up better
• Take weekly trips into the town centre

That's all I can think of doing for now. I'll update this as and when I think  of things (if I do).

Venting

I've just started feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed lately and felt that I really needed to make a blog post about it to (hopefully) clear my mind just slightly. Today I had a moment of clarity in that I felt the one thing that I really wanted to come out of with after this time off is an improved sense of confidence. I've been feeling so weak and anxious recently, to the point where I feel like I can't do anything at all. It's so pathetic really. I think I've been putting so much pressure on myself to get something done, I've been forcing myself to apply to jobs (and, as a result, ending up with the worst job I could have imagined), forcing myself to come up with lots of options of things to do in this time off (I'm not sure if I can really call it a gap year; I'm not sure if I want to), and feeling like shit because of it. I know it's not good for me, it's counter productive and it's just making me feel worse. It's weighing me down so much, which is why I felt I needed to write this post, in the hope that it might relieve some of the stress I've been putting myself under. Anyway, after feeling particularly shaky and nervous this morning (for a specific reason that I won't go into, mainly because it's so stupid) I realised that I would need to find some way of coping, some way of being self sufficient and able to properly support and take care of myself. Since I have all this time of, it seemed, naturally, that now would be the best time to work on improving my confidence (beyond the small challenges that I try to set myself and, quite frankly fail to achieve, as I have documented in my monthly posts on this blog) and overall well being. I want to feel strong enough to take care of myself, to be able to pursue every opportunity I want to, to be able to effectively deal with failure and rejection and to be completely and totally comfortable in my own skin. If I achieve anything in this 'gap year' I want it to be this.

Things to do in the remainder of my time off

It's March, which means I have about six months left until I go back to university. While I've adjusted to being off and I'm embracing the fact that I have nothing to do and no real pressure since this will most likely be the only time in my life that I have this much time off, I still think it would be a shame to let all this time go to waste. I feel like my attitude has changed- not for the worse but not necessarily for the better. It has just changed. Therefore, my ideas and ambitions have been altered as a result, and the plans I had made in November don't have as much of an appeal any more. I want to do things a bit differently, and I keep coming up with ideas then forgetting them, so I'm going to make this post in order to keep track of everything idea I come up with.
These are a few ideas of things I'd like to do with my time in the remaining six months (other than relaxing and watching Netflix):

• Find some work experience in a sector I might be interested in going into (and begin researching this pretty much NOW)
• Maybe find some other voluntary work to do alongside the work I'm doing, just to have a little extra 
• At least keep the prospect of opening my online art shop alive. This is something I still want to do and I am very close to finishing, but I need to make sure that my money will remain safe in doing so, and I need to consider whether it really is worth taking the risk. 
• If I open the art shop, do some research into business stuff since I'm completely clueless about that, as well as looking into doing promotions and using social media as a way of doing this. I plan on using Instagram initially (I've already been posting some of my drawings on there so it makes sense). I'll branch out if my shop starts to do okay.
• Promoting this blog (or starting another blog with a theme to promote). This blog has always been for me really, and I've never been to bothered about it getting popular or anything. If someone reads it and it inspires them and makes them happy then that's great, but I pretty much do this for myself. However, I read this article about a woman who started a blog in a gap year and learned how to promote it etc. and gained a lot of skills other than writing from doing this, and this made me consider doing the same, since I'd love to gain all those skills too.
• Find some sort of job. I'm definitely going to be more careful about this and I've cooled down my search since I left the last one because I don't want the same scenario to happen again too soon (plus I've been focusing on choosing a university). I've also found it quite difficult to find a job which makes the search a bit arduous since it includes filling out multiple forms that take ages only to be rejected. I really don't understand how people say 'get a part time job' so matter of factly like it's something that it's very easy to come by. Or maybe I'm just doing it wrong. I'm probably doing it wrong. Anyway, I don't plan on giving up looking, just being less aggressive about it and taking time to find a job that will suit me.
• Start reading and preparing for university. There's a lot of reading to be done on an English course (obviously) so it would be great to get a head start since I have the time. It'll help me to manage my time more effectively later on when I begin my course too. I'll probably also make some notes on the books and possibly highlight a few things in preparation (though it's difficult to know what might be relevant in the book without knowing what perspective we'll look at the literature in).

Alongside these ideas (which were pretty much all my own)  I've also been doing some research so I could add to this list, but, sadly, most of it revolved around getting a job and working for a bit then travelling. Of course I would love to have a job (that's what I most wanted when I realised I would have all this time off, but finding one that's at least slightly reasonable (i.e. doesn't involve me working until late in the night) has been a massive struggle. These seem like my best options so I'll look into them and keep posting regularly about my plans to keep track of all the things I'd planned, as well as keeping my mind organised. I'll update this list if I come up with any other ideas. 

Achievements and Improved Confidence- February

I've decided that I'm going to make monthly posts up until I go to university (and possibly even beyond then) where I keep track of everything I've done in the month that has gone towards improving my confidence. These things would usually be stuff I wouldn't have normally done, but could also include things that made me feel much happier and gave me a better perspective on life. This will hopefully help me achieve my aim of improving my confidence over my gap year. These are the things I've done over February:

• Attended university applicant days and actually managed to make conversation with some of my fellow applicants. 
• The job thing?? I'm not actually sure if this counts but I feel in a weird sort of way it does.

I've been to some university open days before but I've never actually managed to get to know my fellow applicants a little. This really did help boost my confidence a little as it reminded me that I'm not completely socially inept and helped restore my hope in having a better time at university the second time round a little, and it made my visits just a little bit more enjoyable. Plus it's nice to talk to people when you don't get to see anyone much. 

I don't know if the job thing counts. I suppose the best bits (applying for it, doing well in the interview and being offered the job) all happened in January, but I think a degree of confidence was required in taking a job despite the fear of working until late at night. Of course there's also the getting everything sorted and figuring out what to do on my first shift. It wasn't a huge confidence boost but I think it was something. At least I can say that I did it and I hated it- I would have regretted it otherwise if a hadn't taken it.
I thought about it a little more since writing the above paragraph and I think it does, in a weird way. Of course, it would have been a bigger achievement and confidence boost if it had worked out, but it meant that I was forced to act like a damn adult for once in my life. This is going to sound so pathetic, but I'd normally just hide behind my parents and get them to clear up my mess as much as possible (as I did with university). This time I managed to make my own decision and come to my own realisations, and I was the one who undid my mess and found out about leaving. The whole job thing was down to me, from finding the vacancy, to applying, to arranging every induction to deciding to leave. For me, it was quite a big thing, even though it must seem tiny to most other people my age.

I'm a sad that I haven't done a bit more, but February is a shorter month so I'm going to use that as an excuse (as well as trying to take more opportunities to improve my confidence)

Reflection #2

I had planned to do another reflective post a while back when I had the job and thought I might be happier. Things didn't end up working out as I'd have liked, but I still want to reflect on the time that has passed since it has been a while since I've done a reflective post, and stuff has happened (though, unfortunately, not a lot).

The first thing I wanted to discus was the job I held for an impressive two days. I'd found searching for jobs really rough and , though my confidence was low I persisted, determined to apply for as many suitable positions as I could. Considering this you could probably imagine my delight when I was offered an interview roughly two months after I'd began this process. Even better, I was offered the job right there on the spot. It seemed too good to be true! Well, it was. I quickly learned that I would have to be working until late at night- later than I'd have liked or felt comfortable working- or they wouldn't be able to take me on. Although this did frighten me and made me feel wary of taking the job after thinking it through carefully I decided that I would take the job anyway. I would be earning my own money and it would give me an opportunity to get out of the house and meet people my age (I was told the company employed a lot of younger people like myself). Plus it would be great experience and something to put on my CV. My first day was a disaster and I was pretty hesitant to go back afterwards. I worked in the kitchen and was told I would receive training, though this was not discussed when I began working. This was probably because they were severely understaffed, and for a long period it was just me and one of the managers working in the kitchen. Since I hadn't been trained all I could do was wash pots, which wasn't a great deal of fun (actually it was really awful, and was probably the one aspect of the job that really got to me). Despite the fact that I was desperate not to go back and was already miserable even though I'd only worked there for a day I thought I should try and stick it out. At least until the end of the week, though a whole month would be better if I could. However, the second day really broke me. I asked to leave that day, I realised I couldn't wash pots for even a single second more. I was also being kept way past twelve though I'd been told that was when I would finish. Actually, that was pretty irritating- if I'd known I would be working beyond midnight I doubt I would have taken the job. I'll try not to ramble on too much about this, though. I think it's a shame that the first job I was offered ended up being so terrible, and it almost makes me feel worse having quit so soon. However, I feel like this was the trial period I wasn't offered- if I'd known it would have been like this I wouldn't have taken the job at all. I'm not sure whether I'll keep applying for jobs- I don't want a repeat of this. I'll definitely be more careful next time; I won't apply to everything I see just to make a point. For the next few months I plan on going back to the voluntary job I'd been doing- I don't get paid but I prefer the work there and I think that's more important.

I've been...I don't want to call it a diet because it's not, I generally tend to refer to it as my healthy lifestyle but saying 'I've been on my healthy lifestyle' sounds really strange. Anyway, I've kept up my lifestyle changes quite well actually. Quite well for me, at least. I think I've done pretty well in avoiding sugar and fatty food. I could do better, but I think this is quite a good start. I know it's unrealistic for me to expect myself to completely avoid sugar and fatty foods altogether since I'm a bit of an addict and complete restriction could lead to me ending up over doing it and indulging way too much. Plus I'd be really unhappy. I think the diet thing is actually a pretty huge achievement for me since it's what I've always struggled with. I'm trying to keep it up but also get even better- I've had a few more slips than I'd have liked. Having said that, usually when I slip I fall, and I haven't done that this time, which is something I'm hugely proud of. We also bought a new Zumba Wii  game and I'm just slightly crazy about it, which is pretty awesome. It's nice to know that I'm enjoying something that is also really beneficial for me, and it helps keep me motivated. I'm actually doing one hour classes, which (apparently) burn around six hundred calories. The only disappointing thing is that I don't feel like I've lost much weight. I know it's not really supposed to be about that, but focusing on fat loss, at least a bit, gives me something more to work for. I'm going to try and remain undeterred and continue putting in a lot of effort as I usually stop around this point, and I want to see what would happen if I kept this up for months, if I'd see any changes.

I'm in the process of setting up a shop on Etsy where I'll sell my art. My laptop is being annoying and won't save some of the photos I've taken of my paintings, which is causing a bit of a delay. I'm trying to sort something out, though. Hopefully I will have the shop properly set up by the end of the week (sooner if possible); this is something I'm really keen to do. It's terrifying though! It will be a huge, scary leap for me (kind of like starting up this blog actually), since I'm not particularly great at putting myself out there. It will be very rewarding if it goes well though! I've also made some good tracks as far as art is concerned, even producing one full drawing that I was very proud of! I really want to put some pictures up of my work since this blog is a bit lacking pictures wise, but considering the fact that my laptop is being a nuisance in terms of uploading photos that's looking quite unlikely. I might make a post specifically about my art and include pictures of my progress. Unfortunately I haven't quite thrown myself into most of the other activities I said I would, but I suppose there's still plenty of time! I've pretty much decided that my talents don't lie in making music (unfortunately) and on this basis I've decided to take a break from learning the guitar since I don't seem to be getting anywhere with my attempts. Sadly I haven't tried cooking anything properly yet, but hopefully that is something I will accomplish, I might set aside some time to get it done. At least I'm still blogging!

My mood has dropped significantly and I feel very isolated. I guess this was to be expected. Since I didn't have the time to plan this properly it's been difficult finding activities to fill the time that require me leaving the house. I guess that's why I jumped on the job when I was offered it (even now I would like a job, just one with slightly better hours and more stimulating work). I'm hoping that I will stumble upon some opportunity but I'm becoming less optimistic about this happening. I really wanted to work on improving my confidence as it was destroyed quite badly by my university experience, but I'm less sure of this happening now. I might have to find other ways to do this, like devising my own mental challenges and changing my mental attitude and perceptions of myself/ certain situations. However, as low as I feel at the moment, I know that it could never match how terrible I felt when I was actually at university. I don't really like thinking about it much because all those old feelings resurface.

I now plan on continuing with the voluntary work I had begun doing. I'm also in the process of thoroughly researching universities and making a decision about the one I want to attend. I recently went to some applicant days which were lovely. Id like to discuss them but this post is already insanely long so I might reflect on those in another post soon. It might even help make my decision easier, I'm having such a difficult time choosing! I'd also like to look into maybe doing some work experience, or something along those lines. I really need to end this post now, it's way, way too long.

Mistakes I Made When Choosing A University

It's coming to that point again where I have to make the careful decision of which university I should choose, and considering the whopping great mistake I made the first time round I want to make sure I make a better decision this time round. I've started thoroughly researching the universities I've chosen and assessing their best qualities (well, the best qualities for me). As a part of this decision process I feel that it will be useful to note down the mistakes I made when choosing a university so that I can make sure that I avoid them this time round. I might also do a post rounding up everything that I felt was wrong with my experience so I can try and prevent this from happening again.

1. The university was too far away. Well, it wasn't an absolutely huge distance, like the other end of the country, but it was about a two and a half to three hour car journey which made it difficult for my family to come and see me regularly or for me to see them regularly, which I really needed. I've already avoided this by applying to local universities only.
2. The accommodation was ages away from the university. There was a bus service provided but this service took around twenty minutes and cost a fortune. Also, while it was regular there was still a bit of a wait, and it was prone to filling up pretty quickly. Being so far from the university caused me to feel quite detached from it, which had a significant impact on the way I perceived the university and how much I enjoyed it. I have, again, avoided this problem by applying to campus universities only so I can live pretty much within the university itself. 
3. Focusing way too much on league tables. The university I first attended was pretty high on the league tables when I was applying (it ended up dropping quite a bit within the space of a year.). However, it also had lower grade requirements than other universities in a similar position, which led me to believe that it was perfect for me. In fact, I think this was probably the biggest mistake I made, since it made me adamant that I was going to go to that university, resulting in me dismissing all the other universities I applied to. It turns out that it was a load of spin anyway- they just wanted to make the university look good and cared more about reputation and money than the students. I'm avoiding league tables and they're certainly not going to have any influence on my decision this time- I'll choose the university that I genuinely think I'll be happiest at.
4. Not giving the course much attention. I was lucky that I largely enjoyed what I studied at this university, but I also realise that the course is a huge part of your university experience (actually it's what you really should be going to university for), so it's vital that you choose the course that you feel you will enjoy the most. I was an idiot for not doing thorough research into courses before applying to university and after I had applied and was choosing between the five unis I'd chosen, I'm giving the courses and English departments a lot more attention now and this time they will be a major part of my decision (unless they both look really good and I can't really say that one seems better to me).
5. Not visiting enough universities. The only universities I visited out of the ones I applied to were the university I was sure I wanted to go to and one other that I was called for an 'interview' at (but had no intention of attending). The latter was awful and I hated it, which only made the former seem even better. I should have visited, or at least tried to visit, all of the universities I had applied to and maybe even a few in the summer before I applied to university. I think this would have been the best way of comparing and contrasting the different atmospheres and figuring out which university really was the right one for me. It would also have helped lessen the bias I had towards the university I knew I wanted to choose, as I might have been less likely to succumb to the appeals of the atmosphere there if I'd experienced universities with similar or better atmospheres. I've already visited one of the universities and will visit the other in a few days time.
6. Not doing thorough research. I think this was another massive slip up. I should have scoured the websites of all the universities I wanted to apply to and the universities I had applied to in order to really get a feel for them, as well as to discover stand out points of the universities that really appeal to me and could strongly influence my decision to go there. Unlike the first time, this time I have thoroughly sifted through the websites and made lists of everything the universities offer, so I can take all of this into account when making my decision. I realise that this isn't something I would have been able to do in as much detail as I'm doing now since I had much less time and far more universities, but if I'd started earlier (maybe around the summer time rather than October, even though I didn't know what I wanted to study, I could still have checked out the universities) but a condensed version of this would still have been hugely beneficial and might have prevented me from making such a stupid, rushed decision. I feel more comfortable now having done a lot more research, though my decision is still hard because they both seem really good!

There were probably other mistakes that I made but I think I'll leave it there since these are the most significant and had the biggest impact, and would probably have led to a different outcome if they had been properly taken into consideration. This post is largely for reference since I will be making my decision very soon.

Favourite Meals- January

Since I've decided to make some lifestyle changes which largely focus on my diet, I've decided to make monthly posts about the healthy meals and food I enjoyed eating, as a reminder when I'm stuck choosing what to eat.


Salmon, Couscous and Broccoli- This sounds like one of the most boring meals on the planet (at least to me). I thought I disliked both salmon and couscous, so I was shocked to find that I actually thoroughly enjoyed this meal- it was delicious! The salmon had a tasty glaze, honey and sweet chilli, I think, and the couscous had raw red onion. I feel that these really enhanced the flavour. Unfortunately I didn't make it myself so I can't post a recipe, though I'm sure there are plenty online!

Porridge with Blueberries and Honey- The creaminess of the porridge, the tartness of the blueberries and the sweetness of the honey all complement each other perfectly- this is almost dessert like! Plus it's incredibly simple to make- just make porridge (I might have cheated and used porridge out of a packet which is less healthy but possibly quicker to make) and add about a handful or two of blueberries (or however many you like really) and a drizzle of honey.

Hot water with honey and lime- OK, this isn't really a meal but it's so delicious and refreshing I had to include it. Like the porridge, the contrast of tartness and sweetness is what really makes this. I could literally drink this all the time!

Pitta Pizza- this was absolutely delicious and so easy to make. The 'recipe' can be very easily adapted to suit your tastes, which makes it even better. I used BBQ sauce as a sort of 'base,' then chucked mozzarella, turkey, broccoli and raw red onion on top. I'd have used other ingredients (such as peppers, rocket, mushrooms, some other meat etc.) too if they'd been available. I think this is definitely one of my favourite meals.

Improved Confidence- January

I've decided that I'm going to make monthly posts up until I go to university (and possibly even beyond then) where I keep track of everything I've done in the month that has gone towards improving my confidence. These things would usually be stuff I wouldn't have normally done, but could also include things that made me feel much happier and gave me a better perspective on life. This will hopefully help me achieve my aim of improving my confidence over my gap year. These are the things I've done over January:

• Pushed through a huge mood slump where I experienced a massive drop in confidence, picked myself up and kept going and applying for jobs even though I felt like there was no hope.
• Found a new wave of motivation that pushed me to carry on with my healthy lifestyle and completely resist temptation.
• Getting a job offer after appearing friendly and confident in an interview. 

These don't seem like a lot but considering how I was feeling at the beginning of this month and how I'm feeling now I know that I've undergone a huge change and these seem small but they're actually pretty big. I also feel like not everything that I've listed in this post and previous posts of this kind, or that I will list in future posts, focuses on improving my confidence, so I'm going to add 'achievements' to these post titles because I can certainly say that they all are. However, I don't want to completely abandon the 'improving my confidence' aspect of these posts (and this gap year, in fact), so these posts will still be a place for me to discuss the various achievements of mine that have helped me to improve my confidence.

I also wanted to discuss these points in a bit more detail because I'm quite proud of myself this month. I started it out in the worst state. The effects of my time at university had finally caught up with me and had hit me with full force. I knew it was inevitable that I would feel very depressed about the fact that it had been a disaster and I had left while others were out there living it up and having the best time. I had been looking forward to the fun and freedom for years. Also, I had very little to do and it felt like my life had truly lost direction. The search for jobs was getting me down and the application process was incredibly draining. I felt so weak and fragile but I managed to pick myself up of the ground and keep on applying for jobs, even though it was sapping my energy. I realised I didn't have to take the application process too seriously- it was way more stressful that way. If I was lucky I'd get an interview but if not it didn't matter too much- more lie ins! After a few days I found I was feeling quite a bit better, which was great. I had more energy and I was happier- and I was proud of myself for actually getting past my fear for once.

I'd also told myself I would begin eating more healthily, after stuffing my face with crap for the entire month of December. I knew the food I was eating wasn't good for me at all, and it was best to try and stop before I found it more difficult to. I think I'm doing a pretty good job. Initially it was hard, and I found it difficult to stop sugar, but then I suddenly found a wave of motivation. Since then, I've hardly had any cravings, which is actually a real surprise. I feel like I can do it and I'm determined to stick to it this time. I always end up giving up, and I really don't want that to be the case now. I actually want to make sure I see and feel the results. I'll keep updating as I progress, both as a way of celebrating my achievements and also keeping myself motivated.

Healthy Lifestyle

I decided that once the Christmas period was over it was time to start really working on adopting a healthier lifestyle, especially where eating is concerned. Since this blog focuses on keeping me motivated, I will be documenting my lifestyle changes and the effects these have on me. Each week I'll set myself a realistic goal that I'll try to stick to for at least the week, until I manage to transition to a healthier lifestyle- this week it's simply to get used to eating healthily after all my Christmas indulgences. I'm hoping to be realistic with this diet- no food is forbidden but less healthy foods are limited. I definitely don't intend cutting them out all together, I really don't think that will be sustainable. I'm also trying to do a little bit of exercise (Wii Zumba- it's fun and super effective!), but again. I'm trying not to push myself too hard with it. I want to be able to keep it up, and I won't if I'm constantly making myself tired and worn out. Though I'd rather focus on the health benefits of my lifestyle changes, it would be nice to lose a bit of weight too, so I'm taking photos of my body regularly (either monthly or fortnightly) in order to track my progress and keep myself motivated. I'm also hoping to gain a clearer mind, better concentration and focus, feel happier, have more energy and clear my eczema up at least a bit. I'll try and post frequently about how I'm doing with these changes, and whether I've gained anything from it. I'm also thinking about doing posts about meals I've enjoyed over the month, which will help me remember what I liked eating so I can have it again. I might post recipes of the ones I make, too.

It's been around a week since I started making the transition and I think I've done OK. I haven't completely stopped sugar but I've cut it down a lot, and I'm eating much more healthily (three meals a day with minimal snacking in between). I've even managed to incorporate a bit of exercise into my routine. I think I've been fairly successful in achieving m goal this week. As for effects I don't think I've lost any weight, my eczema isn't much better and I don't feel like my energy levels have increased that much, but I couldn't expect drastic changes in such a short space of time. One thing I have noticed, however, is that I feel a bit happier. Before this I was feeling really down, but I've found a second wave of strength and right not I feel better than I thought I would. I wonder is this is down to my dietary changes?

My goal for next week is to stop sugar for the week.

Improved Confidence- December

I've decided that I'm going to make monthly posts up until I go to university (and possibly even beyond then) where I keep track of everything I've done in the month that has gone towards improving my confidence. These things would usually be stuff I wouldn't have normally done, but could also include things that made me feel much happier and gave me a better perspective on life. This will hopefully help me achieve my aim of improving my confidence over my gap year. These are the things I've done over December:

• Gone over to my neighbour's house (like actually going over there and knocking on her door) and had a conversation with her
• Met someone I knew in one of my AS classes and had a conversation
• Attended a second interview for the same company I had my first with, but at a different store
• Filled in the online application for the job I had been interviewed for immediately after I got home (they did things in a weird order)
• Got rejected after the two interviews by an automated email
• Filled in another online application which took forever (I don't particularly like online applications, as you can tell), and handled the rejection well enough

If I'm honest I didn't do much confidence wise this month. December was kind of a step backwards, disappointingly. I 'relaxed' a little too much over the Christmas period, which didn't really do me any good, and by the end of it I ended up feeling like complete shit. I'm trying to pick myself up from that now, and if these feeling bubble up with the same potency again I will definitely try and work them out in this blog (or at least my tumblr one). That is the whole point of this blog, working out my feelings and preventing me from completely crumbling in this 'gap year.' I'll at the very least try and do something addressing all of this, and maybe set up a self help day, which I'll blog about. I'm rambling now, so I'll stop. Hopefully January will be better.